Married at First Sight episode 5 recap - a beach of a honeymoon

Hold on to your seats, MAFS fans. All but one of the couples are on the struggle bus during their honeymoons this week on Married at First Sight. As we cruise into our beautiful beachside resort in Mexico, our newlyweds are at odds very early on in their relationships. Let's take a look at how our not-so-happy couples are getting on.

I often wonder exactly what the questionaires the singles fill out look like before being cast. I know they are pages and pages long and address everything from what you want in an ideal spouse to financial goals and living habits, but I'm not entirely convinced casting doesn't just throw darts at the finalist's names on a board.

Karla and Juan

Karla and Juan are an interesting match. They clearly have physical chemistry, but Karla's carefree, vibe based way of life doesn't seem to be compatible with Juan's more conservative goals. Juan wants an equal contributor who is understanding of his business goals running a start up, and Karla wants to be supported financially, especially once she starts having children.

Before you get your panties in a bunch, I think both are fine. It's ok to have different goals, but you should probably be aligned on them if you're going to get married. To be fair, the couples knew nothing about their spouses before saying I do, not even a name. I'm trying to keep that in mind. And while opposites attract sometimes, it's normally on more mundane lifestyle choices. Maybe one is an introvert and the other is outgoing. Or one prefers nature and the other is more of a city slicker. Other than physical chemistry and being good sports, I'm not seeing too much that makes me believe in Karla and Juan going the long haul.

Their weird canoe outing was a prime example. As Karla basked in the sunlight, Juan put in the manual labor into getting them where they were trying to be. Which unfortunately, was not crashing into another boat. Some way, some how, when they inevitably flipped the boat, Karla managed to stay completely dry and Juan was dumped in the water. This is a great analogy for their relationship so far.

Odds of saying I do on decision day: 4/10

Emem and Ikechi

Love, love, love their love. I am still rooting for these two. They got a strong start during their reception, and their bond has only grown stronger during the honeymoon. Ikechi opening up to Emem about his childhood and the struggles he faced getting kicked out of his father's house, and his journey to becoming a teacher was such a genuine moment. Emem who admittedly isn't the most emotional person, was as kind and supportive to Ikechi as you would hope your partner would be.

She even shared more about her own childhood, and while it wasn't filled with emotion, sharing her final moments with her father before he passed and finally exchanging "I love yous" with him shows that despite her own struggles, she is still open to love and growth. I'm not a sappy rom com kinda gal, but I can't help but swoon over these two.

The one caveat I have is that despite their insane chemistry, they haven't gotten past first base yet. I know it's still early days, but come on, not even a steamy makeout sesh? I call bs.

Odds of saying yes on decision day: A solid 7.5/10

Working out and working on it

Let's take a brief intermission to talk about the friendships developing outside the couples. Of course, we always see the men and women bonding separately. From what we see, the men definitely opened up more with each other than the women did. I'm not sure a yoga class from Karla is the best way to get deep in your feels, but maybe that's for the best.

The advice the men gave David about his relationship with Michelle was awful. I don't think there's anything David can do, short of using a hot tub time machine to move out of his parents basement 20 years ago and get a full face reconstruction to make Michelle want him. Booking the first flight out of Mexico would have been the best advice they could give him. I know they don't know Michelle, but suggesting David communicate and ask what Michelle wants is the exact opposite of what Michelle wants.

Likewise, David's attempt to get advice from Madison in the gym falls pretty flat. She suggests David essentially be more assertive and stand his ground. The advice she gives him is quite obviously what she wants from her husband, Allen. Not all relationships are created equal, Madison.

Odds of me asking any of these people for relationship advice: -1000/10

Michelle and David

Speaking of our miserable couple, let's review our time with the shut down Michelle and undecided David. If you don't watch Love is Blind, you should. The dynamics between Michelle and David and LIB's Hannah and Nick are so similar, you could change out the individuals and still have the same storyline. Neither are attracted to their spouses, but the men are trying to give a shot while the women have shut down from the moment they said yes.

I'm sure Michelle had the best of intentions going through with the wedding, but she is not feeling the sideways pony tail. It's certainly an interesting look, but David is only a pair of scissors away from change. Michelle, however, cannot get a makeover for her internal conflict. No matter what advice she is given from production and the other woman, she is one step away from jumping off the couple's boat and swimming back to the States. And did they not have the budget to get David his own hotel room? It's been done before. Left the poor man high and dry poolside.

After finally sharing with Michelle that he has his exes name tattooed on his chest and offering a sweet, but ill advised date to get it covered, David sunk that relationship. Michelle has the ick and is feeling smothered. There's no coming back from that. There's something about an adult woman in pig tails that is now synonymous with sadness on these shows.

Madison and Allen

Here's another couple limping half heartedly through their time on the beach. Madison doesn't like Allen, no matter what she says. She isn't attracted to him, and while that can grow, his personality is not for her.

I wish these couples could remember why they decided to marry a complete stranger in the first place. Their usual types aren't working. They're all single in their 30s. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I will give Michelle credit for at least trying to get to know Allen instead of visibly cringing every time he opens his mouth.

She most definitely called him a pushover without directly saying "Allen, you're a pushover". All the advice she gave to David about not walking on eggshells was meant for Allen. She wants him to stand up for himself and not care as much for her. That's certainly an opinion to have in a marriage. Not a great one, but an opinion nonetheless

Odds of saying yes on decision day: 3/10

Camille and Thomas

Saving the best for last, these two are keeping hope alive for the season 18 couples. You know the less you see a couple on screen, the better their odds of making it. And if you don't, now you do. I know they still have trouble ahead from the previews, but if it was all smooth sailing, I would be concerned. Every couple has some conflict, no matter how over dramatized it is.

No matter what they face ahead, I'm pretty sure they're solid. Then again, if you've seen my other stories, you know I'm terrible at predictions, so don't put down money on my account. So far, the only complaint has been Camille suggesting Thomas take charge more. She also wants him to be more assertive. Seems to be a running theme between the women and men. Fair to have constructive criticism, they just met a few days ago.

What I found the most amazing about the two is how easily Thomas shared the story about how he was adopted and Camille's casual acceptance of such shocking news. I would have a hard time controlling my outrage for my spouse if they found out from a Facebook post that they were adopted. I'd love to have words with Thomas's mother. Camille's reaction was perfect. Listening, no judgement, no overly emotional displays, just kindness and support. Gotta love these two.

Odds of saying yes on decision day: still a 9/10

That wraps up another supersized recap of Married at First Sight. New Episodes air Tuesdays at 8 PM EST.